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Sep. 24th, 2004 07:12 pmI want to write an entry. I actually sat down and very seriously wanted to write an entry, but I don't know how to begin or where to start or even why I am doing it. I guess, for now, this will do as a good enough start, but transgression will be difficult. Mostly because I'm not fully certain what I want to write. It is weird, having these issues again lately. Maybe Tom is right. Maybe I should talk to my doctor again. Change meds. Change dosage.
Lately I feel like I've been wearing a half mask of happiness. I'm not sure why that it is, but it almost feels like some act in the grand play of life. I don't fully think it is because I'm depressed or miserable, either. I think there is just a swarming of too many thoughts and feelings lately, and sadly, happiness just hasn't fully been one of them. I mean..it is hard to explain. Overall, I am happy, but deep down...there are just a few things nipping and swimming around that I can't fully understand.
School has been going well. How is that for a segue? I took my first quizes on Wednesday: one in Chemistry and one in my Intro to Vet Tech course. I am pretty positive I aced them both. My painting instructor dropped out so we had a new instructor on Monday who gave us a new list of materials to get and told us we wont be painting for a few more weeks yet which made much of the class quite upset. In Chemistry we are going over significant figures and scientific notation. It is making the professor, myself, and about three other member of the class very angry that all of the rest of the class don't understand the simple terms of division, addition, multiplication, or even subtraction. I've been stressing over my Eng 101 class for various reasons, but the professor isn't too terrible. She is pretty nice, although I think my favorite professors are my painting, vet tech, and voice and diction professors. They are just, well, two of them are spunky, and the latter, he is just very good at teaching things in a manner that make me excited to learn. I don't know about everyone else, but I love the class. We spent all of last class shaping sounds and making them, which was a lot of fun to just hear everyone in a classroom trying to perfect their vowel sounds.
What else. Hmmm. Well, I still don't have a job so I might have to move back up to Albany after the end of next month because I wont be able to pay rent any longer. I applied for a job, went in for three interviews, and then they informed me that over the weeks of uncertainty with me that they hired a lot of new staff, so they didn't know if they could still fit me in, but they would try. Talk about rejection. I guess I'm just not good enough to be in NYC. Figures. Albany didn't want me either and now NYC is trying to get rid of me.
Other than school, I wouldn't be leaving much. I don't really have any friends that I've made since coming down here. A few people that say hi to me in school, but I think it might just be because I'm smart and they like having me help them with calculations and such. Yet further rejection. I have Ethan's friends, but we don't really hang out. They have their lives, and I just kind of...appeared. I am hoping for someone who will just come hang out with me for an evening. We could go walking or sit in Central Park or by the East River or just anything. It is so cold and alone down here and I'm almost thinking I want out. But I want my vet tech license more. I still wish there was someone who didn't mind just...spending an hour or two with me. I'm not asking much. Just...just a friend. Someone to talk to. I could use that right now. I could use a hug.
I guess that is it. I don't know what else to say. I really don't even know what else to do. When I'm not at school, I stay home. I don't know the city. It isn't fun to be out there on your own unless you have a purpose. Like going out to buy a book. Maybe I'll go to the MoMA exhibit in Queens before it is gone. I hear it is free for students. I guess that is something I can do alone and people wont think I'm pathetic.
I miss...things. This is different. I enjoy it. But I miss other things about life. I'm just not right in the head, maybe. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll be fine again. I don't seem to get into this mood until the evenings. I guess I just have to hold on for dear life and hope it does die out again like it dies out every day. I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. Sad. That's how I seem. Sad. Not depressed. Not miserable. Sad.
Lately I feel like I've been wearing a half mask of happiness. I'm not sure why that it is, but it almost feels like some act in the grand play of life. I don't fully think it is because I'm depressed or miserable, either. I think there is just a swarming of too many thoughts and feelings lately, and sadly, happiness just hasn't fully been one of them. I mean..it is hard to explain. Overall, I am happy, but deep down...there are just a few things nipping and swimming around that I can't fully understand.
School has been going well. How is that for a segue? I took my first quizes on Wednesday: one in Chemistry and one in my Intro to Vet Tech course. I am pretty positive I aced them both. My painting instructor dropped out so we had a new instructor on Monday who gave us a new list of materials to get and told us we wont be painting for a few more weeks yet which made much of the class quite upset. In Chemistry we are going over significant figures and scientific notation. It is making the professor, myself, and about three other member of the class very angry that all of the rest of the class don't understand the simple terms of division, addition, multiplication, or even subtraction. I've been stressing over my Eng 101 class for various reasons, but the professor isn't too terrible. She is pretty nice, although I think my favorite professors are my painting, vet tech, and voice and diction professors. They are just, well, two of them are spunky, and the latter, he is just very good at teaching things in a manner that make me excited to learn. I don't know about everyone else, but I love the class. We spent all of last class shaping sounds and making them, which was a lot of fun to just hear everyone in a classroom trying to perfect their vowel sounds.
What else. Hmmm. Well, I still don't have a job so I might have to move back up to Albany after the end of next month because I wont be able to pay rent any longer. I applied for a job, went in for three interviews, and then they informed me that over the weeks of uncertainty with me that they hired a lot of new staff, so they didn't know if they could still fit me in, but they would try. Talk about rejection. I guess I'm just not good enough to be in NYC. Figures. Albany didn't want me either and now NYC is trying to get rid of me.
Other than school, I wouldn't be leaving much. I don't really have any friends that I've made since coming down here. A few people that say hi to me in school, but I think it might just be because I'm smart and they like having me help them with calculations and such. Yet further rejection. I have Ethan's friends, but we don't really hang out. They have their lives, and I just kind of...appeared. I am hoping for someone who will just come hang out with me for an evening. We could go walking or sit in Central Park or by the East River or just anything. It is so cold and alone down here and I'm almost thinking I want out. But I want my vet tech license more. I still wish there was someone who didn't mind just...spending an hour or two with me. I'm not asking much. Just...just a friend. Someone to talk to. I could use that right now. I could use a hug.
I guess that is it. I don't know what else to say. I really don't even know what else to do. When I'm not at school, I stay home. I don't know the city. It isn't fun to be out there on your own unless you have a purpose. Like going out to buy a book. Maybe I'll go to the MoMA exhibit in Queens before it is gone. I hear it is free for students. I guess that is something I can do alone and people wont think I'm pathetic.
I miss...things. This is different. I enjoy it. But I miss other things about life. I'm just not right in the head, maybe. Maybe when I wake up tomorrow I'll be fine again. I don't seem to get into this mood until the evenings. I guess I just have to hold on for dear life and hope it does die out again like it dies out every day. I wish I could figure out what is wrong with me. Sad. That's how I seem. Sad. Not depressed. Not miserable. Sad.
