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Uncertain about self image
Oct. 21st, 2005 07:13 amI really don't have anything to say, but I clicked on the update journal button anyway. Perhaps that means that subconsciously I have something I want to say, but since it isn't in my conscious, I don't think I do.
I don't think I've watered my cactus lately, so I should do it today. I try to do it at least twice a week, but since I can never remember when I do it, I'm not certain how close to watering it twice a week I am. I should have reminders sent to me.
I'm really not very girly, I don't think. I mean, I do like to wear dresses, but it doesn't take me an hour to get dressed (unless I'm trying to struggle into one of my renfaire outfits without help). It also doesn't take me an hour in the bathroom every morning to do makeup and such. In fact, I don't think most any girl is like that stereoptypicalness. I see many women on the subway zoom through their makeup in 5 minutes, and I'm certain with how early one needs to wake up to manage to make a subway and still be on time for wherever they are going (especially with the irregularities in the schedules for the subways) I doubt anyone really has the time to lounge around in dressing for an hour. The entire reason I say all of this is because I really hate when I look at my closet and my dresser, wrinkle my brow and think to myself 'I don't know what to wear today'. Yes. You guessed it. It usually will take me an hour to pick out clothing when I don't know what to wear.
That in itself makes sense because clothing, in a way, represents mood. It is how you want people to view you. If you are happy, you wear something flouncy and fun. Depressed, you wear things that don't make you stand out, but you into the background. People really do wear things depending on how they feel. Which means when I am in a mood that I just have no idea what to where, I already feel it wont be a good day. If I can't automatically throw on jeans and a t-shirt or one of my fun dresses, then I've been thrown out of sync for the whole day. When I can't decide on clothing, it is like I can't grasp who I am in the morning. For me, clothing represents how I feel about myself. I have some "sexy" attire, fun attire, and I've got my frumpy attire. I can do hippy, I can do geek, I can do executive management or librarian or bum if I really want to. But I can't decide how I am today, where I am, who I am. I suppose that is why I clicked to merely update. Because I can't choose something to wear and I am hoping by the end of typing I have a better grasp on who I am instead of being so out of sync.
I had a guy at school say that all women should always wear thongs, and if they don't have the butt for them, then they aren't women. He said this because he thought Linda was wearing grandma underwear. I couldn't think of a thing to say to that other than "I'm not a woman, then" because I hardly wear thongs. They chaffe after awhile.
I want to start going to Central Park on the weekends to jog for awhile before it snows. I'm so upset that I brought my rollerblades down here and I haven't taken them out of the closet once. I refuse to use them unless I have knee and elbow pads since I know how often I can fall and I'm not too happy with that average.
I think I'm going to take a quick shower in hopes of it waking me up and telling me what to wear. The only problem is, I usually bring the clothes into the bathroom with me. It is a horrible habit I have ever since I started living in the downstairs of my parents house and the shower was upstairs. I felt more comfortable dressing and then walking past everyone than just wrapped in towels. Some day I will have my own place and it wont matter how I shower or how I enter a room after I'm through showering. But a shower I shall have.
I don't think I've watered my cactus lately, so I should do it today. I try to do it at least twice a week, but since I can never remember when I do it, I'm not certain how close to watering it twice a week I am. I should have reminders sent to me.
I'm really not very girly, I don't think. I mean, I do like to wear dresses, but it doesn't take me an hour to get dressed (unless I'm trying to struggle into one of my renfaire outfits without help). It also doesn't take me an hour in the bathroom every morning to do makeup and such. In fact, I don't think most any girl is like that stereoptypicalness. I see many women on the subway zoom through their makeup in 5 minutes, and I'm certain with how early one needs to wake up to manage to make a subway and still be on time for wherever they are going (especially with the irregularities in the schedules for the subways) I doubt anyone really has the time to lounge around in dressing for an hour. The entire reason I say all of this is because I really hate when I look at my closet and my dresser, wrinkle my brow and think to myself 'I don't know what to wear today'. Yes. You guessed it. It usually will take me an hour to pick out clothing when I don't know what to wear.
That in itself makes sense because clothing, in a way, represents mood. It is how you want people to view you. If you are happy, you wear something flouncy and fun. Depressed, you wear things that don't make you stand out, but you into the background. People really do wear things depending on how they feel. Which means when I am in a mood that I just have no idea what to where, I already feel it wont be a good day. If I can't automatically throw on jeans and a t-shirt or one of my fun dresses, then I've been thrown out of sync for the whole day. When I can't decide on clothing, it is like I can't grasp who I am in the morning. For me, clothing represents how I feel about myself. I have some "sexy" attire, fun attire, and I've got my frumpy attire. I can do hippy, I can do geek, I can do executive management or librarian or bum if I really want to. But I can't decide how I am today, where I am, who I am. I suppose that is why I clicked to merely update. Because I can't choose something to wear and I am hoping by the end of typing I have a better grasp on who I am instead of being so out of sync.
I had a guy at school say that all women should always wear thongs, and if they don't have the butt for them, then they aren't women. He said this because he thought Linda was wearing grandma underwear. I couldn't think of a thing to say to that other than "I'm not a woman, then" because I hardly wear thongs. They chaffe after awhile.
I want to start going to Central Park on the weekends to jog for awhile before it snows. I'm so upset that I brought my rollerblades down here and I haven't taken them out of the closet once. I refuse to use them unless I have knee and elbow pads since I know how often I can fall and I'm not too happy with that average.
I think I'm going to take a quick shower in hopes of it waking me up and telling me what to wear. The only problem is, I usually bring the clothes into the bathroom with me. It is a horrible habit I have ever since I started living in the downstairs of my parents house and the shower was upstairs. I felt more comfortable dressing and then walking past everyone than just wrapped in towels. Some day I will have my own place and it wont matter how I shower or how I enter a room after I'm through showering. But a shower I shall have.
